For the first time
by EbonySkies
Summary: It's kind of a mess but it's their story. How Balthazar became who he was and how Sam melted his heart. And honestly Salthazar/Balthazam is the best slash pairing ever And since I forgot to put it in the story, I don't own supernatural or any of the characters. I just like to throw them into silly plots and force them to bend to my will. Lots of semi spoilers.
1. 1

If things were different Balthazar wouldn't be fighting a war against his own brothers. If he just done right and chosen a different path he could be on earth. It was too late to change his path though. Too much time had passed and he was sure he'd never get a chance to fix his wrong. So he used his pain, loss, and anger to fuel the fire so he could be the best soldier heaven had ever homed. Even if his chest ached and he felt excruciatingly empty, he made his choice and fully intended on living with them. Though most would contest he wasn't really living.

Back before time began he had mingled with the other angels in heaven. There wasn't a care in his life. He didn't know the pains or sorrows of not being in heaven. His brothers kept him company and the loved their lives in the skies. But things couldn't stay the same. They all knew their father had plans to do something, create something to make their existence meaningful. No one could fathom the affect god's newest creations would have on them. But who were they but loyal to their father. So when the humans appeared and Lucifer turned against the father every single one of them questioned their loyalties. If the very breath of god could defy him so painfully what kept them from doing the same.

The floods destroyed most of the humans and Balthazar watched as they tried to start over again. He didn't understand why his father didn't just erase them all and start over, and he wouldn't for thousands of years. When things started to go awry again god kept himself out of it. He had so much faith that the humans would do the right thing that he let everything happen. But then Lucifer appointed the horsemen and the future was forged. God couldn't sit around and see the creatures he loved so strongly be destroyed by one of his first born. So he had the scroll written and determined the destiny of a family that wouldn't exist for years to come.

Balthazar hated that god would sentence two people to death without them even having a chance. But he was a mere angel and could easily be cast from heaven. So on the night he heard the prayer he made a choice. The pure sorrow in the prayer touched him so deeply he wept for the human who had no chance and didn't know otherwise. Everything was stacked against the family, since Moses got on the ark, there wasn't anything that anything could do to stop it. A prayer from a family member so many generations back that the name had been lost sealed the fate of two brothers that wanted nothing but to keep each other live. They were sentenced to kill each other because one man couldn't stand that he was going to die with no meaning to his lineage.

Eventually he lost his compassion for the humans. He saw their misdeeds and how little they cared for each other and realized he shouldn't care either. So he fled from heaven. His heart hardened to their blights and he realized that he couldn't ever go home. Balthazar cared so little for the humans he used to feel so deeply for that he knew he could never go back to heaven. Not while his job was to protect heaven so they could live out eternity in peace.

Realizing he was homeless, Balthazar got lost in his hatred for the vile creatures that caused so much turmoil in the heavens. He stopped caring about everything except himself. Everything he did was to please himself and make himself happy. He didn't care what happened to anyone in his way. The people he used were nothing to him. Nothing mattered because he had nothing to go back to and nothing to live for. But angels couldn't commit suicide. They couldn't destroy the life given to them by their father. Not even Balthazar, the cold hard shell of what he used to be, could validate destroying the gift he knew he didn't deserve. So he lived on earth among the very creatures he never wanted to see again.

He was doing a good job of not caring, hating everything, and burning every bridge he crossed until he heard a voice in his head. It took him only a second to realize he was being prayed to. The voice was so startling he dropped his glass. He hadn't heard the prayers of anyone in thousands of years. But he knew right away who he was hearing. The descendent of the man who prayed his family exist for a reason. Instead of trying to block it out, Balthazar listened to the tiny childlike voice pray for the safety of his family.

Over the years Balthazar heard every prayer from that day on. It was a constant sound that as time went on, Balthazar began to love. As the boy grew older Balthazar felt the ice around his heart melting. He'd sit around for days listening to every thought in his head. As the boy grew his prayers got less frequent until they stopped all together. Balthazar knew the state of the world and could guess what was happening to the human. And his heart grew hot with anger. Over the years he'd grown quite attached to the man and to realize that he might not ever hear his voice again scared him. But the bond was broken and there was nothing he could do to get it back.

For the next few years Balthazar let his anger grow. Until the day an old friend showed up in his life. Balthazar hadn't expected any being to know he still existed. He'd thought that over the years the others would just assume he disappeared or was killed for trying to escape heaven. But when Castiel showed up in his home he knew his cover was blown.

"Hello Cassie," Balthazar sighed setting down his coffee.

"I need your help," Castiel stated.

"Sorry sweetie I don't do the whole subservient thing," Balthazar replied.

"You will because I know you are bound with the human Sam Winchester. I know when he prays it is to you. He is in trouble and I need your help," Castiel countered.

Balthazar hadn't known the name of the man who prayed to him. He knew it was one of the destined ones written in history as the weapons of Michael and Lucifer. But he didn't care to know any deeper because to know his human would do nothing but break his heart and that was something Balthazar couldn't allow. Having feelings for even just one person was more than enough. But a personal relationship would cost him more than he was willing to give up.

"I don't care Cas," Balthazar countered.

"Balthazar, I am not asking you to help. Sam needs you. We all need you," Castiel tried.

The words hit him like darts. Castiel was incapable of lying to him so they had to be the truth. And if the other angel didn't really need help he would never ask for it. Balthazar sighed. It would break every single rule he'd set for himself to help the Winchester brothers but he couldn't let Sam die. Not having Sam around was worse than never hearing him pray again.

"Alright but don't get used to asking for favors," Balthazar caved.


	2. 2

If Balthazar had known the state he would find Sam in he would have never agreed to help. When Sam stopped praying Balthazar figured it was because he found out what god had in store for him and lost his faith. Seeing the truth was like a punch to the stomach. Sam had lost his soul after sacrificing himself to save Dean. Balthazar wanted to cry at the sight of the man he's learned to care for so deeply. There was no life in Sam's eyes, not compassion, or the love that Balthazar had heard in every prayer. But he couldn't act like he cared so Balthazar slipped on his big boy pants and pretended that it didn't matter.

The next time Balthazar found Sam he had completely forgotten the hunter. It wasn't fair to hold the new Sam in comparison to the old so he came to terms with what had happened to _his_ old human and forgot them both. But the pull was still there. When Sam prayed Balthazar ignored it, but when Sam performed the summoning spell he had no choice but to go.

"I'm not your puppy Sam, and I don't enjoy being forced to come when you call!" Balthazar growled angrily.

The last thing he wanted was to be standing in front of the monster that had eaten _his_ Sam. It wasn't fair to judge him that way because it wasn't Sam's fault his soul was left in hell with Lucifer. No it was whoever pulled him out's fault. Everyone knows there's the right way and the wrong way to retrieve a person from hell. And of course the only way to pull them out in tact was to have an angel or god do it. So whoever pulled Sam out had to be human.

"I need you to help me," Sam stated.

Balthazar knew he couldn't say no. As much as he wanted to poof away and never see Sam again, he also knew he would do anything the boy asked of him.

"With what?" Balthazar asked.

"Castiel and Dean are trying to get my soul back. I need a way to keep that from happening," Sam answered.

Balthazar sighed. It would be easier to forget Sam if he remained soulless. He wouldn't have to give any of himself to the hunter if there was no one to give it to. So Balthazar gave him the instructions on how to keep his soul out of his body. When he left he felt like the monster. Who was he to keep that Sam around while his soul was battered and torn apart in the cage with Lucifer and Michael? It was selfish but he didn't care. Balthazar would do anything to keep his heart from being broken. Even if that meant sacrificing the one human he knew he was supposed to bond with.

That was the first time they'd had sex as well. It was rough and powerful with both of them fighting for dominance. Balthazar ultimately won with his strength but Sam fought until the end. Balthazar felt nothing when he left. Sam had paid him for the information but because it wasn't _his_ Sam he forced himself to hate it. Just like the many partners he'd had before, Sam was a business deal. And it nearly crushed Balthazar to have to admit that _his_ Sam would forever be gone. It didn't stop them from "dealing" with each other again though. Any time Sam called Balthazar would be there allowing himself to ravish the body he'd always wished to feel.

It didn't take long for Sam to stop calling. And it only took a few months for Balthazar to hear the first prayer. Sam had his soul back and Balthazar wondered if he remembered their "extra-curricular" activities. As much as he hated the monster that was soulless Sam, Balthazar couldn't help but rejoice over having _his_ Sam back. And as long as Sam never remembered how they used to interact he figured he could be in the hunter's life.

"Please if anyone is listening I need something. I don't know what it is but I'm tired. So tired of being alone and having to watch everyone I love get hurt. Maybe I haven't been the greatest guy but I've been dealt a shitty hand. I think I've made the best of it, done what I can with what I was given. But I can't keep this up. Why don't I deserve a normal life, someone to care about me, someone who actually cares if I come home at the end of the day. It's nice having my brother, but why can't I be like everyone else, clueless about the paranormal until it happens to me. What have I done to deserve what's going on?" Sam prayed.

Before Balthazar even realized it he was standing behind Sam. His eyes were soft as he watched the human prostrate on the ground waiting for an answer. When he realized he was there he made himself invisible to the human and stepped closer. How could Sam not know there were things in the works for years before his birth? Gently he placed a hand on Sam's shoulder. Almost instinctively Sam leaned back into it.

"You didn't have a choice. You're life has been written for you thousands of years before you existed. There was nothing you could have done. But I am here for you. I will always be here for you," Balthazar whispered into Sam's head.

Sam stood in shock searching the room for the intruder. When he didn't find anyone he checked the bathroom and outside the door. He knew it was pointless, that the thing had spoken directly into his thoughts, had heard his prayers even though they weren't spoken out loud. A shiver wracked his body as he thought about something reading his mind. The uncertainty of whether it was something he had to kill caused him to search the room again.

"I won't hurt you. I promise I will do everything I can to protect you," Balthazar said to Sam.

"Why?" Sam asked out loud.

"Because it's always been you. It's always been us."

"I don't know what that means," Sam sighed.

Sam felt the gust of wind on his face but he didn't know what caused it. He stood and made his way over to his lap top to make sure there wasn't some ghost after him. After hours of research all he'd come up with was angels. But angels could only speak directly into human thoughts from close range. Cas had told him it took a lot out of an angel to remain invisible while using other powers like telepathic conversation. But there were two teams in heaven. Those with Cas and those with Raphael, meaning Sam wasn't completely out of the woods. The angel could have lied. He could want to trick Sam into trusting him so he would let his guard down.

Balthazar hated himself for being so sentimental with Sam. Their past relationship had been purely physical and he'd forced himself not to care. Just because Sam had his soul back didn't mean they were in love. Sam didn't even remember him so there was no need to try and gain Sam's trust. But Balthazar knew he was lying to himself. The snarky sarcastic attitude was all a ploy when it came to Sam, it always would be, because deep down in his grace, he would always belong to Sam. And Balthazar regretted ever leaving heaven, ever hearing the prayers of the man who wanted a legacy. Because from that moment on Balthazar knew there would be an end to his life. He would die to protect Sam. And he was sure it would come down to it. That one day he would no longer exist to protect a miserable slug of a human that got no choice in what happened to him.

Sam had been to hell and back. Worse than hell actually, he'd been locked in the cell with two angry angels that were fully prepared to kill each other. The anger the two angels felt towards Sam for ruining their plans had battered his soul so badly and Balthazar knew there would be a time when Sam would remember everything. Remember him and their relationship when he had no soul, how bad it was in the cage with the angels, everything. That was the moment Balthazar feared the most because Sam would summon him and demand everything be explained.

Balthazar lived his lavish life of excess while he waited for Sam to summon him. It didn't take too long. Castiel had appeared and informed Balthazar that the wall had been broken. All he could manage was a nod before Cas was gone. And as predicted a summoning spell was performed.

"Balthazar," Sam said.

There was anger in the hunter's eyes. Balthazar wasn't surprised. He would have been angry had the tables been turned so he stood leaning against a wall with a bored expression on his face. Sam let his anger build as he watched the angel that had taken advantage of him stand so casually as if nothing had happened. He couldn't believe the way the angel didn't care. Weren't they supposed to protect and watch over people? How could he just use Sam and act like it was nothing? Suddenly Sam felt exposed and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Can I help you darling?" Balthazar asked as if he didn't care.

"You're an angel," Sam almost shouted.

"What of it."

"You took advantage of me!" he did shout.

"Oh sweetie, you were a very willing partner. All you had to do was say stop and none of it would have happened," in a flash he was pinning Sam to a wall, "But you didn't. You summoned me, I had no choice but to come. You were desperate and one step away from begging on your knees," he was whispering in Sam's ear.

"No," Sam breathed trying to push Balthazar off him.

Balthazar pinned Sam's arms above his head and laid his body flush with Sam's. Sam fought but both knew Balthazar wouldn't let him go. As much as Balthazar wanted to be gentle and loving with Sam, he knew that he had to get his point across. Show Sam that it wasn't just his soulless self that wanted him.

"How could I have turned you down? You were so pathetic, so needy. But the fire in your eyes as you fought so pointlessly to dominate me. But always pulling me back, never letting me leave. You were like a whore, starving for whatever I would give you," Balthazar breathed hotly down Sam's neck as he spoke.

"That's not true. I didn't have a soul! I didn't know what I was doing," Sam countered weakly.

"Are you sure? I can show you every moment of it. The sounds, the words, how desperately you held me like I could give you something, anything," Balthazar said louder.

Sam was breathing heavy but had given up his fight. He knew Balthazar wasn't lying, that he'd begged like a whore for the angel. And he knew exactly what void he was fighting to fill. Even without a soul he was empty. It was no surprise Balthazar had seen through whatever mask his soulless self had worn for their encounters. But he had no control over it. Whatever punch he had drank while with the angel had filled his blood and he wanted more. He wanted everything the angel would give but wasn't willing to beg for it anymore.

"Why did you summon me?" Balthazar asked against the flesh of Sam's neck.

A shiver raced up Sam's spine at the feeling of the angel's lips on his skin. It lit a familiar spark that Sam would have done anything to douse. Balthazar knew what he was doing and Sam hoped that it was because they wanted the same thing. Although he wasn't going to beg for it, or even ask for it. If Balthazar initiated he would follow but he couldn't start. Not when Balthazar already thought so little of him. Not when he had too much to lose.

"I wanted to know why," Sam said holding his breath against Balthazar's assault.

"Why what darling?"

"Why you kept letting it happen," Sam said letting out his breath.

"I'm an angel, it's my job to serve. Whether it's the sexual need of a human or as the warrior of god is only a matter of morals. You summoned me and prayed I wouldn't leave so I stayed and gave you what you what you asked for. What you choose to believe of me is your own decision, I personally couldn't care less about your opinions," Balthazar said after flashing to the bed.

Sam let out a loud breath and let his arms drop to his sides. His body slumped and he let himself slide to the floor along the wall. He was exhausted after such a short time with the angel and he wondered how he ever lasted during their previous rendezvous. When he looked up he saw Balthazar looking at him with a curious expression before the angel was gone. Deciding not to let Balthazar throw him off his game, Sam stood and made his way to his laptop. He would find a case to keep him occupied while he tried to forget the careless angel. It was bad enough having the angel in his head, now he had it in person to deal with. And he regretted all those times he'd prayed for an angel to watch over him when he was a child.

The sound of the door opening pulled him from his thoughts and sent him back into hunter mode. Dean set down the food but Sam wasn't hungry. Really, all he wanted to do was sleep for a week. But he had a job to do. Evil didn't stop because he was having an angel problem. Nothing stopped, it seemed like Sam would forever be stuck fighting the battles against evil and his mind. But Dean was there and he would keep Sam sane for as long as they could both stand.


	3. 3

It wasn't hard to find the den of vampires. They were ready to burst in and thwart them but it turned out to be larger than expected. They would have to take them out in groups. Get them separated and make plans on how to deal with them that way. Sam supposed the vampires had to go out on some scouting mission or to gather humans or whatever they were drinking. Neither liked the idea of having such a large job to do on their own but there was no other option. By the time help arrived the den would have dispersed or moved on.

"Be careful Sammy," Dean said before the exited the car.

It was pretty much a suicide mission fighting off so many, but they had to try. It was their job to protect mankind. Even if that meant putting their lives right in the jaws of death. So Sam sat and waited for his chance to take out the first vampire that came his way. He managed to get in before it realized what had happened but the second saw the first die and let out a horrifying screech. Sam knew that meant he was in trouble. That it was a warning call or a call for back up. In seconds it seemed like there were hundreds of vampires around him.

Sam fought as best he could. Fighting through the bites and scratches and against the pain inflicted to his bones. He couldn't stop though. Dying wouldn't solve anything. People would die and the den would grow if he couldn't stop them. But his consciousness was fading and there was nothing he could do to stop it from taking him.

"Sam!" he heard Dean shout.

It was enough to get him back on his feet. His head pounded and his vision blurred but he fought his way through. When Dean's body crumpled to the ground Sam did the only thing he could think to do. He prayed.

"Cas, Balthazar, please, anyone help," Sam prayed.

Another bite to his shoulder made his left arm useless but he swung the blade and fought like he didn't need the arm. It was useless though and he knew it. There were too many of them and Dean was already gone. His blade fell from his hand as a vampire grabbed and snapped his wrist. Sam was already numbed though and didn't feel as the bones were ground to dust beneath his skin. In that moment, staring into the red eyes and bloodied teeth Sam admitted defeat and let his body fall to the ground. A blinding white light made him cover his eyes and he was consumed by blackness.

When Sam came back to consciousness he was still outside the warehouse. Castiel stood over Dean healing his body. Sam let out a shaky breath as he tried to sit up. Every bone in his body protested and he let himself fall back to the ground. It wasn't until that moment that he realized he was propped up against a tree. Sam watched ad Dean sat up as if nothing had happened and let a sigh of relief fall from his lips. A second later he felt warmth on his wrist that he never wanted to go away.

"What are you doing?" Sam asked his voice broken with pain.

"Healing you. What does it look like?" Balthazar said with an eye roll.

"Can't you just touch it and heal it?" Sam questioned further.

"I'm not a guardian you daft fool. And my powers work differently than your beloved Castiel. Now shut up before I decide I've already done enough," Balthazar snapped before placing his hand on Sam's thigh.

Sam felt the warmth and let out a contented groan as his bones mended and his skin healed. It always amazed Sam that there were never any scars left when the angels healed him. It was like his skin had never been damaged or the bone never broken even though he knew just how fatal some of the wounds should have been. Not that he would ever complain, sometimes it was best not to remember why his skin had been marred.

"Thank you," Sam breathed.

Balthazar looked at him with that curious look again before placing his hand on Sam's stomach. Instead of feeling the warmth Sam felt a pulling sensation and burning. He hissed in pain and tried to move away from Balthazar's hand.

"I've got to remove the venom," was all the angel said.

Sam let out a yell of pain as the venom left his body. It did make the healing feel much better though. He appreciated the gentleness Balthazar was taking with him even though he probably didn't deserve it. At their last meeting Sam had all but accused the angel of rape so he was eternally grateful the Balthazar would come to his aide.

Balthazar gently laid Sam on the ground and removed the tattered shirt. He tisked at the bite marks and torn skin that used to be the hunters back. It would take a lot of pain to remove the venom from the wounds but the faster it was done the easier he could fix the rest of Sam. Sam cried out as the venom poured from the wounds. Balthazar felt Sam's pain and wished that he could have just zapped away all Sam's pain but he was doing all he could. When the blood ran clean of venom Balthazar placed both hands on Sam's back and willed his grace to heal the hunter.

"Oh god that feels so good," Sam groaned as Balthazar moved his hands along his back.

"If I had a nickel for every time I heard you say that to me," Balthazar couldn't help but say.

Sam would have shot away from Balthazar if he weren't lost in the euphoric feeling of the angel's hands on his skin. He let himself focus in the feeling instead of the words. Balthazar rolled Sam over to address the worst of the wounds. The bite on his shoulder should have been fatal. They'd torn a huge chunk of his flesh and muscle away exposing the bones and inner workings of the area. There would be a lot more work to repair this wound because Balthazar would have to rebuild every part of the shoulder.

"Sit still," Balthazar said as he straddled Sam's lap.

Sam held in the startled sound of having the angel on him so suddenly but couldn't hold in the painful hiss and growl as Balthazar placed his hand over his shoulder. Quickly Sam grabbed onto Balthazar digging his nails into the angel's side hoping it would lessen the pain. Balthazar didn't even flinch. Sam hissed in pain and turned his head to see the wound. He instantly wished he'd just buried his face to hide from the pain. IT was very off putting seeing the inside of his body and himself bleeding black.

"How am I still alive," Sam marveled as he saw the condition of his shoulder.

Balthazar just rolled his eyes as he pulled the venom from the wound. Sam, after quickly getting over the shock of the wound, watched in fascination as his blood ran black from the wound. Eventually it muddled out before returning to the red it should have been. He figured if Balthazar weren't healing him it would have been enough blood loss to kill him but Sam really didn't want to think about that. When he felt Balthazar start healing him he hissed and grabbed the angel's thighs. Balthazar let his eyes close slowly as he tried to focus on healing Sam. As the muscle was rebuilt and the skin healed Sam grabbed tighter onto Balthazar and unconsciously thrust their bodies together.

"Sam, sit still," Balthazar growled through his teeth.

His eyes were slammed shut and he was almost grinding his teeth against Sam's assaults. He was also holding his breath but he let it out when he realized he was holding it. Fixing the wound was taking far too much time with his attentions distracted but he couldn't keep himself focused. The way Sam's body moved into his and the sounds coming from the hunter's mouth was enough to make him stop. So he did. He pulled his hand away and sat back panting heavily. Sam was panting as well. They both knew Balthazar hadn't closed the wound but neither cared.

"Please Sam," Balthazar said heavily.

Sam was gasping for air as he looked at the angel. He managed a nod but they both knew it wasn't a solid promise. Balthazar returned the nod and returned to work. The sensation was too much for Sam. He slumped forward and clung to Balthazar panting into the angel's chest. Just as the wound was healed Sam let out a hiss and bit Balthazar's shoulder. The angel's head fell back and a gasp fell heavily from his lips.

"Sam," Balthazar breathed.

The hunter placed his hands on Balthazar's shoulders before quickly knocking him backwards to the ground. Sam pinned Balthazar down before capturing the startled angel's lips. He couldn't hold back. As much as Sam didn't want Balthazar to see him as a groveling whore, he couldn't help but be one after what had just happened. Besides, if Balthazar really didn't want what Sam was throwing at him then he could poof away.

Sam felt the ground against his bare skin before he realized that Balthazar was once again straddling him. He groaned frustrated when the angel pulled back. The hand on his chest kept him to the ground though. Balthazar looked Sam over before locking eyes. It was easy to see that Sam was willing to give or take anything Balthazar was offering but Balthazar had his doubts.

"It's rather euphoric isn't it Sam. That's part of the charm of it. Distract them from the pain of reconstructing their bodies with a feeling that they would do anything to feel it again. But it's not worth it. You don't want this and I'm not going to let you use me to try and feel whatever it was you felt," Balthazar said allowing Sam to sit up.

Sam thought about begging but he was too much pride to do that again. His lips burned and his body pulsed with want but he wouldn't beg. Maybe it _was_ whatever Balthazar had done while healing. Sam knew it was more than that, it was a deep seeded need for the angel that he felt right down to the very depths of his existence. But he wasn't willing to divulge that or even let the angel know he cared. So he just nodded and got to his feet.


	4. 4

Since the wall blocking the memories of his soulless self had been broken, Sam was plagued with nightmares. The most reoccurring were the times he's spent with Balthazar. And as much as he hated remembering them he loved the feelings he was left with when the angel left. He felt used and betrayed but in the end he'd always gotten what he wanted. Even if it was only for a moment, Balthazar worshiped his body the way he'd always wanted. It seemed Balthazar knew how to give Sam everything he wanted or needed even though they both remained cold and uncaring about their meetings. When he'd wake from the dreams he'd be covered in sweat but chilled to the bone. He hated the way he felt about the angel but he also knew there was no controlling it.

"Balthazar," Sam called after Dean had left with Cas.

There was nothing and Sam began to gather the ingredients for the summoning spell. He had them all in the bowl when he tried to call one more time.

"I'm going to summon you so this is your last chance to come on your own," Sam prayed.

It took a few minutes but Sam finally heard the flutter of wings behind him. Sam turned taking in Balthazar's presence. He stood leaning on the door frame looking as if Sam had bothered him. Granted Sam probably was bothering him, but only because he had no choice but to see the hunter.

"What can I help you with today?" Balthazar asked nonchalantly.

"I, uh," Sam stumbled.

He hadn't thought about what he would say to Balthazar once he showed up. All he'd thought was the call him. Now his mind was blank and he could see that Balthazar was growing impatient.

Sam;s conscious was bothering him. Demanding that Sam tell the angel how he felt. But Sam was reluctant to tell the angel anything after the way their encounters usually ended. Balthazar was hard as diamonds and Sam feared he would be destroyed by the angel with what he would say.

"I, I," Sam stammered.

"Today please," Balthazar sighed.

Sam wracked his brain for something to say. It took longer than he liked but finally he found something that wouldn't give too much away. He hoped it was safe enough to talk about without having Balthazar laugh at him.

"Before when my soul was, you know, when I'd summon you," Sam started.

"Please get to the point. I'm a very busy man," Balthazar said.

"Was it more?" Sam asked.

Sam looked away not wanting to see the boredom in Balthazar's eyes. If he'd kept looking he would have seen the flash of surprise. Balthazar quickly masked it though. Pushing himself from the wall, Balthazar walked into the room and sat on an overstuffed chair. His entire demeanor changed as he walked across the room. By the time he sat down he'd dropped the air of disdain and looked at Sam with a look neither could have described.

"What do you mean?" Balthazar asked calmly.

"It just seems like you were very accommodating. I mean, not just for sex. Almost like you were giving me what I needed at that moment but not making a big deal out of it," Sam shrugged.

"I'm an angel it's my job to fulfill my duties. Even if it means being the sexual and latent emotional release of a mere human," Balthazar offered.

"No," Sam shook his head, "It's more than that."

Balthazar had no response. Sam watched the angel stare him down. He was uneasy under Balthazar's gaze but he chose not to back down. If Balthazar wanted to intimidate him it wouldn't work. Although Sam was almost certain that wasn't the case.

"What do you want from me Sam?" Balthazar asked genuinely curious.

"You are always there to save me. When I had no soul and even now. Just when I've given up hope after giving all I can you show up and save me. I don't know what to make of that. You're always so cold and distant, calculating everything before you move except with me. Instead of taking me like the whore I was showing to be you stopped me. That day with the vampires, you didn't think, you reacted, and when your thoughts caught up you stopped. I want to know why but it's deeper than that," Sam said feeling stupid about how candidly and emotionally he was speaking.

"You're humanity stumbles me Samuel. Your fate was sealed for you thousands of years ago. I was assigned to the man who brought this fate upon you, he was my charge. Just after the Nehalem and the flood when mankind was new again there was a man who was a no one to everyone. He couldn't stand dying without a legacy, and god taking pity on the man gave him one. I spoke to the man, appeared to him in a dream, promising him that his family would have a legacy and everyone would know their names. And he penned the scrolls that that settled your fate. The very scrolls I was positioned to watch over. The very scrolls that foretold the history that I was supposed to direct.

"You were nothing but a pawn in the scheme of a man who couldn't understand what he'd done to his family. Every marriage in history has led to you and Dean and the start of the apocalypse. And it's been my job to be there to make sure things go as planned. But I couldn't stand to watch every war and every human die all to lead to the two of you. There was no point to humanity, there was no point any anyone existing but they had no idea that they existed merely as a stepping stone. So I left. I was filled with so much love for humans that I couldn't be a piece in the game. Two thousand years passed and I was nothing of what I used to me, I am nothing of that angel. Too much has happened, I've learned the true nature of humans and I can't even begin to believe that I once cared for you all so much. It disgusts me to think my heart used to swell with love for a bunch of useless slugs.

"Why you? Is that what you want to know? Because as a child you melted the ice around my heart and lit me on fire. I knew the second I heard your prayers who you were and what you were doomed to be. But I ignored you because I'm selfish and I didn't care enough to be there to direct you in the path you should have taken. I didn't want to get involved and that sent you straight to hell. So maybe it's you because I feel responsible, or maybe because we have no choice in the matter, because it's written in some book locked in some vault that no creature had ever seen and its destiny. Either way we're bonded and I won't ever let anything take you from this world until it's me taking you to your final resting in heaven," Balthazar explained.

Sam didn't know what to say. Castiel had told them that they had rolls to play, Gabriel had told them the same, but Sam never would have guessed that it was Balthazar's job to make it happen. He wondered what the scrolls had said. If he'd lived his life the way his ancestor had planned. But more of him didn't care or want to know.

"So that's what I feel when I think about you? This bond we have the thing that tugs at me whenever you're around, that's what it is?" Sam asked.

Balthazar just nodded. Sam looked around the room almost convinced it was a big joke. Balthazar was such an ass, it was hard to imagine him ever caring about anything besides himself. Learning that Balthazar cared about him was more than Sam could take. He stood and headed for the kitchen. He just needed space but he really didn't have to worry because when he went back Balthazar was gone. Sam was left with a thousand questions and not only no one to answer them but no strength to ask them.


	5. 5

Sam didn't want another run in with Balthazar so he made sure that each case they took was enough for he and Dean to take care of without too much injury. If Dean noticed he didn't say anything, which Sam was grateful for. He couldn't handle admitting the reason he didn't want to take on anything too big. But eventually they ran into a case that Sam knew Balthazar would butt into. There was no way they could win a war with the things that 'eve' had created. There were hundreds of them and they'd surrounded the hunters before anyone knew what was happening.

Sam felled a few before one got the better of him. Dean was managing better as he hadn't been knocked down yet. He'd prayed to Castiel in hopes that he could take some time to help them. But things had gone downhill fast with Cas since he'd given up his search for god. Sam knew that Castiel wouldn't come to save them. That he'd teamed up with Crowley and wouldn't save them. As much as Sam didn't want to he prayed to Balthazar.

Something bit Sam hard as he was knocked to the ground. His skin burned and blistered where the saliva touched him almost immobilizing him in the pain. He managed to get back up to see Dean killing things left and right. Sam fought harder but for everything they killed another showed up. They would never find an end to the battle. The worst part was not knowing what they were fighting. Maybe the things were just getting up because they weren't really killing them. Either way Sam knew both he and Dean were getting worn out and the things they were fighting were too strong.

Dean prayed for Cas to save them. He knew it was a long shot because they weren't on the same team anymore. But Dean hoped the love and bond they shared was enough to keep the angel from letting him die. When Cas showed up he placed his hand on Dean and they weren't in the fight anymore. They were in a hotel room Dean had never seen before. Cas looked him over before touching his forehead and healing all his wounds.

"What about Sam!" Dean shouted when Cas turned away as if to leave.

"He's not my charge anymore. I can't help him," Cas said regretfully.

"What does that mean?" Dean cried.

"It means I can't save him. He's been cut off from my powers and the only way I could get him out of there would be to carry him. I don't have time for that. He will be safe, Dean, he won't die," Cas said before he disappeared.

Dean swore and threw things around to room before sitting on the bed defeated.

Sam fell again as one of the creatures slashed its claws down his chest. There was too much blood loss. And there was no way Sam could fight anymore. He closed his eyes as the world blurred out of focus. When it came back Sam wasn't in the parking lot any longer. He was on the floor of some swanky looking hotel. When he tried to move he couldn't. A moment later Balthazar walked into the room and laid some things down beside Sam.

"What is that for?" Sam asked.

"I don't want you attacking me so I thought I'd do this old school," Balthazar smiled jokingly.

Sam groaned and closed his eyes before he felt the warmth on his leg. He couldn't hold the groan in as Balthazar healed him. Not that he had to hold it in, they were the only ones in the room. Maybe even the whole building if that's what Balthazar wanted.

"Tell me what it feel like," Balthazar said softly.

"It's warm, like getting in water that's the perfect temperature," he sighed as Balthazar reached for his arm, "It feels like relief. When you're worried about someone being dead and then you see them. That flood of pure happiness and relief that they aren't dead."

Balthazar smiled. He straddled Sam's hips and placed a hand on Sam's shoulder almost tracing the jagged claw marks running across his chest. Sam's body arched up into Balthazar's causing the healing to slow as he got distracted.

"There's more though. I feel sated, calm, and protected. I want to bathe in this feeling, wear it like a blanket all the time," Sam groaned.

Sam felt Balthazar's lips on his neck as he healed the wounds on his chest. The sensation was amazing, throwing Sam into something he never wanted to leave. He couldn't describe how it felt. The words hadn't even been invented to describe what he was feeling.

"Don't stop. Don't ever stop," Sam panted as his body fought the invisible binds holding him to the ground.

Balthazar allowed Sam to sit up to work on the marks on his back. Instead of moving behind the hunter he pressed himself closer and found the wounds by feeling along his back. Sam's hips bucked again when he healed the bite mark. Having the sounds of Sam's pleasure so close and being able to feel as they vibrated out of his chest caused Balthazar's focus to further slag. He caught Sam's lips in a searing kiss and almost forgot he was healing the hunter. When he was finished he laid Sam back down ravishing every inch of exposed skin.

The binds holding Sam down kept him from moving and grabbing for the angel. It was torture but Sam let Balthazar have his way. He was allowing the residual effects of the healing and their bond fuel their encounter. There would be no need for begging or throwing himself at Balthazar. They were both willing and nor able to fight their need.

"Please," Sam whimpered.

Balthazar smiled as he nipped possessively at Sam's skin. The sounds coming from Sam were enough to throw a normal man over the edge. It as music Balthazar wanted to hear all the time. He bit hard on Sam's neck before soothing and angry flesh with his tongue. Sam threw his head back giving Balthazar more access to the sensitive area. The warmth came crashing into every fiber of Sam's being as Balthazar placed his hand on Sam's chest. Balthazar let his grace trickle over every bit of Sam it could reach filling the human with the emotional strength of an angel.

"Please, Balthazar," Sam panted losing himself in the pleasure.

Balthazar sat back keeping his hand on Sam's chest. If Sam weren't held to the floor Balthazar was sure he would be arching off the ground searching frantically for some sort of release. He smirked at the hunter as he fought the bonds. When Sam locked eyes with Balthazar they were glazed over with lust. Sam was beautiful as he fought the strength of what he was feeling. So Balthazar took his hand off Sam's chest and watched him slowly come down from the flood of grace.

"Let me free," Sam gasped.

Balthazar released the binds only to have Sam lunge at him. He couldn't help but laugh at the hunter's eagerness. But instead of stopping it, he met it with just as much force. Their lips crashed together in a sloppy kiss while Sam tore Balthazar's shirt. When the torn cloth fell off the angel's shoulders Sam went for his belt. There was nothing but carnal need in Sam. He couldn't fathom feeling as strongly as Balthazar did and not acting on it every time they saw each other. If he had the choice he and Balthazar would never leave the bed room from just the small does he'd gotten. Knowing how Balthazar felt filled him to the point where he would burst if he didn't have it all.

"Slow down Sam. We've got all the time in the world," Balthazar said flipping Sam onto his back.

Sam closed his eyes and focused on breathing. Balthazar held Sam down again as he worked both of their pants off. When Sam relaxed Balthazar let him go. And Sam did all he could to control himself.

"I need you," Sam nearly begged.

Balthazar smiled as he captured Sam's lips again. He thought about sharing his grace again but didn't want to overwhelm Sam again. He loved the way Sam writhed beneath him and the way his body begged for more. There was nothing Balthazar could do to feed Sam everything he desired but anything he gave would be enough. It was such a conflicting thought but it was everything they would ever be. Not enough but rust right for each other.

Balthazar slid a finger into Sam easily intensifying the pleasure so there would be no pain. The most amazing sound erupted from Sam as Balthazar worked in a second finger. Really the foreplay wasn't necessary. He could just shove in and Sam would never know it hurt but he needed it to be more than what it used to be. It had to be more than just begging and emotionless. They were deeper than that now. Thrown into something neither of them expected to ever happen. Something neither of them knew they needed.

Balthazar took Sam in his mouth as a third finger entered. He placed his free hand on Sam's stomach holding him to the ground. He could feel everything Sam was through their bond. It seemed like such a unsubstantial thing mere days ago. But now it was so strong Balthazar could almost see it as a thick rope tying them to one another.

"Close, need more," Sam panted.

Balthazar smiled and brought his mouth back to Sam's neck. He could smell the pheromones emanating off Sam's skin. It was an intoxicating scent and he couldn't get enough of it. Sam wrapped his legs around Balthazar's hips pulling the angel as close as possible. Balthazar took that as his cue and lined himself with Sam's opening. With a quick thrust they were connected in the most intimate way. Balthazar needed a moment to get used to feeling Sam so tightly around him. It took most of his strength not to pound Sam through the floor into whatever was beneath them. He had to focus as not to hurt his human.

"More, please more," Sam did beg.

Balthazar complied slamming into Sam faster and leaning back to get a different angle. It only took a few thrusts before Sam came with a cry of ecstasy. To prolong the feeling for Sam Balthazar shared his grace. Sam filled with the feeling and felt he would burst if he couldn't share it. So Sam focused on projecting his emotions onto Balthazar. Moments later Balthazar cried out as he released himself into Sam. He fell to the ground beside Sam reaching out for the hunter. Sam welcomed the embrace as they both basked in whatever it was that had just happened.


	6. 6

Balthazar had called it 'mating' when they'd talked about what had happened. Sam realized the seriousness of the event. The sharing of grace, the projection of it all back, it meant that they were bound eternally. That meant that essentially Sam had married Balthazar. Honestly it scared the crap out of him. But it had been the most intimately amazing sensation he'd ever felt.

Dean had quickly grown annoyed with their relationship but since Cas had chosen the demons over them he knew Balthazar was the only angel they had on their side. Castiel was worried about souls and becoming god and in his quest he'd left the door wide open for the demons to attack them. If Balthazar hadn't been there they all would have died a hundred times over. Sam knew why Dean was so hurt. He was in love with Castiel. The old Cas, the one that pulled him from hell, the awkward, socially clueless angel that used to go out of his way to protect them. But Sam would never bring it up. He just did his best to not be too much with Balthazar. Usually they kept themselves casual and business like when Dean was around because even Balthazar could tell how much it hurt Dean to be abandoned by his angel.

Sam knew Balthazar was going to Castiel and obeying his orders as best he could. Although having Castiel order Balthazar to protect the Winchesters made his job easier because he was already doing it. But he refused to tell them where Castiel was. He knew that they would just go to him and try to reach the old Cas. But that angel no longer existed. It caused a lot of turmoil in his relationship with Sam but he wouldn't relent.

"Cas came to me," Dean said in an unusual down tone.

Sam didn't say anything knowing Dean would need to talk about whatever it was on his own time. It took a few minutes before Dean took a deep breath and locked eyes with Sam. He couldn't remember his brother ever looking so broken before.

"He asked me to trust him and told me that once we were family, that he'd done everything for me. I couldn't do it though. He's not the same Cas anymore. He's not my Cas anymore. So I told him he _was_ my brother, we _were_ family, but not anymore. Because family doesn't turn their back on one another. Family doesn't team up with rivals and let the other team attack each other. I knew it was the right thing to do. I _know_ he doesn't love me but, damn it Sam, I miss him. I hated having to turn away from him, hated leaving him in Crowley's hands," Dean confessed breaking with each word he spoke.

"I want him back too Dean. He protected you and did everything to keep you safe. I will never be able to thank him enough for all the tight spots he pulled you out of. But he chose them over us and I can't think of him as the Cas that used to protect us. This is a monster in Cas' skin. And as much as you feel for him you have to separate him too. Because when all is said and done, we might not ever get that Cas back," Sam sighed.

Dean knew Sam was right but it didn't make anything less painful. So when they found out where the opening of purgatory would happen Dean and Sam forced themselves to see Cas as a monster. They went to where Crowley was waiting with Castiel. A moment later Castiel was gone from the room and Raphael stood next to the demon. Balthazar was gone as well and Sam knew something terrible was about to happen.

It started with a stinging in his chest and then he felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest. He fell to the ground grabbing at his chest as his entire being was consumed by pain. Dean fell beside him and tried calling his name. Sam didn't hear it. Tears filled his eyes as the pain slowly faded and he was left feeling like he was empty. When Dean stood again Sam was still huddled on the ground trying to gain control of himself.

"It's done. I'm god," Castiel had said.

Raphael exploded leaving nothing but the scorched wings where he'd once stood. And Sam realized in that moment that he was empty because Castiel had killed Balthazar. He stood and rushed Cas but was thrown back into the wall. He felt the bones snap and turn to dust as Castiel approached him clenching his fist. But it didn't matter. Balthazar was gone, the one thing that had made him more complete than he'd ever dreamed of being had been ripped from his life without a second thought.

"You're a monster. You're not fit to be god!" Sam spat.

"You will respect me or I will destroy you," Castiel spoke directly in Sam's face.

"I will never respect you so do your worst. There's nothing left to destroy," Sam retorted.

Castiel cocked his head to the side as he contemplated Sam's words. His veins blackened as the souls inside him started taking over. If Cas didn't let them out soon they would destroy him but Sam couldn't bring himself to care. He couldn't bring himself to feel anything.

"Poor Sammy, lost his mate and thinks he can fight god. Good luck trying," Castiel said before letting Sam drop to the ground completely healed.

A moment later the ground opened sucking Castiel into the gaping hole. Crowley had vanished after Raphael had been destroyed. Before Sam could get to his feet Dean fell into the void as well. The ground closed before Sam could get to it and pull Dean back out. He was alone, utterly alone without his brother or his lover. As he stood he looked around the see he was truly alone and devoid of any emotions at all.


End file.
